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Couples often hold onto out-dated perceptions of their partners even when total or partial changes have occurred; that is, they forget to update the way in which they view each other.
Dale, for example, asked her partner, Jack, to call her if he was going to be late. Jack agreed and consistently did so for a month, but then forgot once. Instead of remembering all the times that he did call, Dale got angry and focused on this one lapse. In doing this, she invalidated the effort that Jack had been making to change his behavior. Dale's reaction served to reinforce old behavior rather than support Jack's new behavior, which was developing but not perfected.
By using the relationship skill of updating your view of your partner, in Dale's place you would positively acknowledge each time that your partner calls to advise you that he (she) will be late by you telling him (her) that you appreciate his (her) efforts. When a slip-up does occur, you would acknowledge that it is a slip-up and that you know that your partner wants to change the behavior completely. You would recognize and verbalize that behavior change takes time and effort, and slip-ups are a natural part of the evolution of change. Above all, you wouldn't interpret the slip-up as thoughtless behavior, but rather as a correctable lapse in your partner's awareness.
• Are aware of any positive changes.
• Acknowledge your partner when there is progress or change as it occurs.
• Emphasize your feelings of pleasure when change does occur.
• Downplay your disappointment when slip-ups do occur.
Remember—changes in behavior take time because each partner
must become consistently aware of an unconscious problem.
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